Job - Susan style

My husband and I frequently talk about our faith and our own walks with God. I believe God is right beside me at all times, and as a result, I often treat God like I would a friend or a family member. Right or wrong, that’s my relationship with Yahweh.

I often talk to him when I’m in the car alone, when I’m in the shower, when I’m riding my bike.

This familiar relationship has all of the qualities of very human relationships, including anger. And right now, I am very angry with my God.

Have you ever felt that you’ve done all the right things, you’ve been patient, you’ve done your Christian waiting, you’ve given up things and endured things that you couldn’t even imagine, you’ve fasted and still no answer to the question you’ve been asking?

I have. And as a result, I am angry. I’ve told Him so, too. My husband has often told me that he stands amazed at my relationship with my Abba. My husband often looks at me like I’m going to get zapped at any moment, too. But here’s the thing. I would rather shout at the heavens and tell my Almighty that I am extraordinarily mad at Him than turn from Him – for where will I turn then?

Have you imagined a world without your Father? I have. And it’s very bleak indeed. I would rather risk being slapped in the face by a lightning bolt than say, “I turn away from you.”

I think God appreciates the honesty of His people. I think he enjoys relationship and fellowship with us. Just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he isn’t there. I’ve wept. I’ve felt despair. I’ve felt abandoned by Him. I’ve felt like I was being punished by Him.

When I feel like this, I often think of Moses and the responsibility that God gave his most beloved, the only man that God ever called friend: To lead the Jews out of Egypt and to the Promised Land. A job that I very much doubt had the full description of – Yes, this is going to take you more than 70 years. Yes, you are going to have to deal with bull-headed people who will turn from me. Yes, people are going to die. Oh, and by the way, you will slip up, take credit for something I did, and you won’t walk into the Promised Land I’m taking my people.

I think about Job. He lost his whole family. He lost his wealth, his health. He lost his friends. He still stood by God. And not to the very end did his anger rise to confront God. And when God was done with Job, he felt like a tiny speck on the butt of a flea. After God has proved his sovereign care over Job, Job replied (Job 42:2-6): “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”

I will wait upon my God. I will sit and wait for him to answer my question because he has plans for me – plans not to harm me but to build me up, to give me hope and a future.

Dear God,

I am here. I pray you see me waiting – waiting on your answer.

Love,

Susan

My heart verse

I guess the best place to start is not where I’ve been or where I’m going but where I am now. My name is Susan, I am 40 and am a professional in corporate America. I have two children and am married. I am also the survivor of child abuse. My father is still alive but I haven’t seen him since I was 21. My mother is alive, but she abandoned us about 12 years ago. There has been joy in my life along with tragedy. But always, always there has been the Almighty, my friend, protector and the entity that has saved me from the pit of despair. The Great Yahweh that has completely restored my life.

But before we get much further, do not put me on a pedestal. I am human, imperfect and still fall- and often. I am not what many people would call a great Christian, but I have had great God moments and still do.

My heart verse is Jeremiah 29:11. For those of you who don’t know this verse, I first ran across it very early in my studies. I was 32 with two small children. My husband and I were in the process of moving and he had just moved two hours away. I had to either sell our house or find a job before I could follow. I had been a stay-at-home mom for two years – for which I will be forever grateful for that time. We were so broke. Living off love. I didn’t have TV to watch because we had cut off cable – we couldn’t afford it. I wasn’t the best stay-at-home mom. I couldn’t go to the movies, or go shopping. So I was pretty frustrated and living in a very small world. I very often would lose my temper and was so lost without my husband – my best friend. I didn’t sleep well. I lived in a big old farm house out in the country, and all I had for protection was my dog. A now very dear friend invited me to a Bible study. I was very hesitant to go. I didn’t want to turn into one of those “bible thumpers.” To my friend’s credit, she wasn’t pushy, but she knew my situation and my sadness. I agreed to go. Not to be trite, but that was the very moment my life changed.

I will get to the rest of that story in another blog, but when I began reading, I found all this hope and promise from God that my life was going to be OK. That the phrase “do not be afraid” was in the Bible 74 times. And when I started following all the subreferences in my Bible, I stumbled across Jeremiah 29:11. Not even understanding exactly what Jeremiah was referencing in his book, the verse stood out to me like a light in the darkness. I latched onto this verse, and it became the very first verse I committed to memory.

“For I know the plans for you, says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

I am comforted everyday when I am lost in my own sea of self-doubt and in the cesspool of others’ criticism and negativity. When my light is sucked up by the darkness and I just can’t do anything but breathe. This verse reminds me that no matter what my goals and dreams are or what my current circumstances are, my God, who is much bigger than me, has His own plans for me. He has promised not to harm me. He has my best interests at heart, including teaching me lessons that I may not ask for myself. But he has hope for me. I abide in that hope. I wait everyday on that hope. And I wait still.

Do you have a heart verse?

Peace.

-S